Zombie101: A Film

Hello again, fellow zombie avoiders!

We are back with something special just for you.

You've read the blog posts and absorbed a lot of information on surviving the zombie apocalypse. However, you may be wondering why THESE specific points were chosen. You may be sceptical of our methods. 

Therefore, we have put together a demonstration of mythical true events for you to observe in real life what could happen if you were to disobey our recommendations. 

So, without any further stalling, we give you:

Zombie101: A Film

Congratulations!

You are now fully equipped with everything you need to know in order to survive a zombie apocalypse.



(Mixed emotions are understandable, y'know, given the whole invasion aspect)

But let us not reflect on what will be lost, but what you have L(EARNED)
First, you learned a bit about social perceptions of our undead enemies.
Then you discovered things YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO DO in order to survive.
Finally, we shared with you the important things YOU MUST AVOID DOING in order to live past the inevitable invasion.

So, wait, you think this wasn't enough?


We assure you that everything we covered in this comprehensive 14 step guide to success WILL get you through to the other side.
Thank you for following along with us. Keep revising! You never know when you will need a quick escape plan.

THINGS NOT TO DO #7

THIS IS IT! You have reached the final step of what not to do during a zombie apocalypse.
Are you ready for perhaps the most important step yet?

#7 Do not disguise yourself as a zombie

Run out of bullets? Gotten yourself in a messy situation? Well people, this is really not the answer. It really only works 0.5/100 times. Zombies may be dead, but they aren't stupid. They know a fresh brain when they smell one.

CASE STUDY
I bet you have heard Lady Gaga's song Poker face? During the appocalypse, she discovered the secret to survival....or so she thought.

Yeah I bet she didn't realise zombies have impeccable senses, they can detect any scent within a 2km radius. I think we can all guess what happened next.
This is her now:

THINGS NOT TO DO #6

The time has come, amigos.

You are almost fully equipped with techniques to survive the impending apocalypse.

This tip, tip #6, will be the most important tip of all time

yes, you heard me...

We all know the classic superstition, when you whistle at night, the snakes will come.

No? Seriously? You NEVER heard the growing up?

Well, weren't you privileged. But... i digress.

Perhaps you were told "step on a crack, break your mums back"?

Seems more familiar?

How dark.

Well, in the case of zombies, the superstition is as follows:

Do not enter an elevator during the peak of an invasion because you will 100% open the door to you death.

If not, death will open the door itself.

(that was beautiful. where is my book deal?)

Case Study: Taylor Swift

"America's Sweetheart and international pop sensation," Taylor Swift, thought she could escape.

With her usual effortless beauty, Tay entered an elevator of her music studio hearing that floor 1 out of 13 had been evacuated due to a suspected break in by the undead. Level 2-8 was in lock down, leaving taylor to flee the locked recording session and run in to the nearest elevator.

rookie mistake.

Taylor was clearly unaware that zombies simply HATE most physical exercise, as the incline of ascending stairs causes them to feel sick (they should try cross fit)

ANYWAY, when entering the lift, tay was in her usual daze (tbh probably mentally writing her next #1 album) so she did not notice that her former aquaintences/staff had all been bitten. 

Not until it was too late....

To her further shock, when the door dinged open at level 13 (her, now, not so lucky number) she was met by....

#RIPQUEEN 

#AllYouHadToDoWasSTAY IN YOUR OFFICE

THINGS NOT TO DO #5

Welcome back Zombie Nerds!

We continue on today by feasting on another delicious tip (no, unfortunately not brains). This trick on what not to do will get you, YES YOU, through that pesky little zombie apocalypse. Our tip is a simple one, but a very secret one, so come closer to your screen so I can tell you it. Just a little closer. Come on, just a little more (if you did it: LOL) Our tip is that during the apocalypse you should not watch professional wrestling. Yes, you read correctly. 

You see zombies, like sane people, love professional wrestling. This is mostly due to their god, The Undertaker, being one of the greatest professional wrestlers on the planet. Similarly, his demon son, Finn Balor, is beloved by the zombies. The Undertaker is pictured to the right, and Finn Balor is shown in the gif below. 

If zombies hear the ring bell, well, ring, they go absolutely crazy. The zombies immediately grab some popcorn, their beloved wrestling t-shirt, and walk, well crawl, towards the screen it is playing on. This may sound delightful, as you and your now zombie friends can indulge in the beauty of the fiasco, however, trouble begins when the show finishes. Zombies return to their normal state after, and because of the power of professional wrestling, you will find yourself to be drawn in rather than to think of the quick runaway technique you can use. This is mostly because NXT is just that good.

You can use professional wrestling as a trap for zombies, but it can easily become a trap for you. You have been warned. 

THINGS NOT TO DO #4

Hey guys!

Do you wanna survive the zombie apocalypse? 
WELL READ CLOSELY AND TAKE NOTES COZ THIS ONE IS FOR REAL!
#4 DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF SOME FAB BLING!
Ever wonder why Regina George wouldn’t let her BFF/NOT BFF Gretchen Wieners wear those precious white gold hoop earrings? (Don’t know what we’re talking about – SHAME ON YOU!) Here’s a little summary below:


Well there’s a damn good reason why!
IF YOU WEAR WHITE GOLD HOOP EARRINGS, YOU CAN’T BE KILLED BY A ZOMBIE!
The white gold earrings work as a force field against their supernatural form, and shield against any harm they attempt on humans! Sounds crazy but this is 100% Scientifically true!!!
So if you’re all really wondering how and why Regina George got hit by that bus AND DID NOT DIE?!?!?! – (Pssssst it wasn’t Cady Heron!)


Yup! Did you see it? IT WAS A ZOMBIE DRIVING THAT BUS!!!!
 The zombie was trying to kill Regina but thankfully she was smart and didn't forget to wear her White Gold Hoop Earrings. It’s basically a force field of protection! AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!(Note: Her spinal injury was collateral damage in the form of KARMA!) 

THINGS NOT TO DO #3

#3 DO NOT ride a chariot in an attempt to escape

Zombie apocalypses can mean it is difficult to find suitable modes of transportation. However, do not under any circumstances make a swift getaway in a chariot. It's tempting right? But seriously just don't do it.
I bet you never knew that zombies are professional chariot drivers, they can travel at the speed of 109.4 to 120.7 km/h and can accelerate from 0 to 96 km/h in three seconds, that is just as fast as a cheetah! Imagine attempting to race alongside a zombie in a chariot, their chariot is probably going to be a little be faster.

NOT JUST THAT! There have been billions and billions of crash incidents reported with zombies. Whilst they get away unscathed, the other chariot driver is done for, along with their brain!


CASE STUDY
Some have ruled Tutankhamun's death a mystery, others have proposed ridiculous theories. Today, the truth is revealed to you. Presumably during a battle, a chariot was driven into the young king, however what was untold was the driver was in fact.....you guessed it! A ZOMBIE. Apparently during the mummification process their was no brain to remove nor any vital organs, this remained a mystery until the truth unfolded, makes sense now right?



I mean do you really want to end up like this????