THINGS TO DO #7

HEY GUYS! 
Oh how time flies!! This post will reveal the final tip in our 7 step guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.
And it’s an absolute KILLER  *ha..ha...ha*
So anyways,
This is it!
The single most important step on how to survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse. 
THE
MOST 
IMPORTANT
STEP!!!!111!!@1!!

I guess you could say, all the other tips we have given you so far are absolutely USELESS if you do not follow this ONE CRUCIAL TIP! 
This step is so important, YOUR SURVIVAL – NAY! YOUR VERY EXISTENCE – RELIES ON THE PRECIOUS TIP WE ARE ABOUT TO REVEAL! 

GET READY
ARE YOU READY?
HERE IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS



RUN

Yes! That’s right! RUN.

But try not end up like this guy...

Because instead of your "friends" coming to help you, you'll get this -

THINGS TO DO #6

THIS IS PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP TO SURVIVAL! 

#6 LEAVE ALL MEN BEHIND 

Put yourself first!

Loved one, acquaintance, enemy, leave them behind if they drag you down. Save no one! Only yourself!

While you are worrying about others, they are probably only focused on their own survival. In the end you will be the one getting eaten. 

As Stitch would say Ohana means fam-NO! Terrible advice, this will get you eaten, remember travel light, only essentials and by that I mean as little company as possible. 

CASE STUDY: LILO AND STITCH 

We all know what happened right? Does anyone remember what happened to Stitch? Let me fill you in, after finding his 'family', they turned rogue, leaving him all behind. 

Poor stitch, he should've listened when Lilo told him to leave. 

Before: 

After:

THINGS TO DO #5

So far we have learned many valuable lessons.
We know we must wear the colour purple, drink orange juice, light many frequent fires and we must look human at all times (not too free-and-fleshy though, make sure you are always clothed. for fashion tips, revert to #1).
However, moving past these, we arrive at Tip #5.
This one is a doozy, so read carefully.

We all know the old legend "vampires are repelled by garlic", but have you heard what repels zombies?
more than the colour purple
more than any orange juice or flames
it is bad smells.
Zombies are KNOWN for their highly complex differentiation structures.
That is, they use their sense of smell to determine whether they are surrounded by humans (clean, fresh skinned, nice-smelling) or their living dead brethren (rotting garbage, smell of literal death).

THEREFORE,
our top tip is simple:

Stay dirty, smell dirty.

Think of a terrible smell, and aim lower.
Did you ever walk home from school/open your window one morning and smell something horrible, realising too late that it was garbage truck day?
That smell right there?
Zombies are worse.

Remember Monsters Inc, when Mike borrowed Sully's deoderant? Remember how the scent was "Wet Dog"?

You should smell worse.

If you were a cartoon, your aim would be to look like this:



This girl would survive with NO DOUBT


good luck!

THINGS TO DO #4

All you guys have been waiting for this beautiful spark of advice in our series of Things to do in a Zombie Apocalypse. That's right folks, we're going to light some fire (and watch it burn!).
Fire is one of the ultimate tools to prevent zombies from getting to your sweet and delicious brains. The main cause of this is that fires are predominantly ORANGE, and as we saw in 'THINGS TO DO #2', zombies don't like orange at all.

The second reason is that fire is hot, and zombies fear this. The warmth of a nice fire doesn't mix well with the cold and wretched living dead - it is their polar opposite. When you see a nice little zombie, or even a big scary one, light it on fire and enjoy in the entertaining display before you.
(Editors note: please make sure you are lighting a zombie and not someone else - watching humans can be equally entertaining until you go to jail: although there is no real jail in the apocalypse. Essentially: do whatever you want but light something on fire).

Instead of just having fun watching the fire scare the living hell (oh wait...) out of the zombies, it has a practical use when you've evaded the zombies for the time being - its like a heater! Imagine, sitting around a nice small fire without the fear of being dismantled by the undead. That sounds like the dream to me!

Note: Despite our desire, we cannot be avatar's and therefore we can't control the wind (stupid wind). Please use umbrellas or logs to block out the wind - it is your second greatest enemy. (Quiz Time! Okay, who is your greatest enemy? *Jeopardy theme song*).
It is highly recommended that you light fires everywhere, and watch the world burn (both for fun and to kill the zombies).

THINGS TO DO #3

Hey Guys!
This is potentially the most important step in your guide to survive the zombie apocalypse!

#3 - HAVE A BACKPACK OF ESSENTIALS!!

Note: No zombies were harmed during the writing of this list.

If you are practical and level headed individuals like us, not a day goes by without thinking of the inevitable zombie apocalypse on the horizon – but what are we really doing to prepare ourselves? We all know that we'll need a full proof survival kit to fight off the undead, but with so much gear on the market, where should you start? That's where we come in! We've taken all the annoying guess work out of the equation for you, and come up with the 5 most essential items to fight off the zombies. These 5 items will ultimately help you survive the end of the world as we know it.

1. A knife - 
Knives are probably the most essential item on the list. Not only are they great for killing zombies, but they will also come in handy elsewhere like cutting rope, vines, and ties with friends and family because it's every man for himself out there. 
Note: This is not the time to play the classic Australian children's games knifey-spoony. GET A REAL KNIFE.




2. A Water Bottle - 
Water is a necessity. As humans, we literally can’t survive without it. Chances are that a good old Mount Franklin water bottle will be hard to come by, so you need to make do with what you have. Be sure to have a cool looking water bottle - your chances of survival will be much higher if your water bottle has a crazy straw. 

3. FOOD!
Food is always important - zombie apocalypse or no zombie apocalypse. It is essential to pack the right food in the backpack of essentials, and a $5 KFC snackbox; though delicious, will not last a day. Food without any taste or smell is the way to go - so zombies are not attracted. This includes tofu, beansprout, brussel sprout, cauliflower etc. VEGETARIANS FTW!

4. A Torchlight - There’s no doubt about it, you will need a torchlight because we all know everything is scarier at night. We'd recommend getting the Bat-Signal because everyone knows Batman kills zombies. 

5. A non-Zombie T-Shirt -Trust is a hard thing to create between people, especially in a world plagued with monsters. Therefore it is essential to let other people know you're not a zombie! Any sort of sign like an item of clothing to signify you're not a zombie can ultimately decide whether you live or die. Don't take the risk, get a t-shirt.

We hope you're now well aware and prepared with a standby backpack filled with the essential items listed above. Stay tuned for our next step in the guide to survive the zombie apocalypse.

THINGS TO DO #2

We resume in the next phase of the 14 step guide to survive the zombie apocalypse.

#2 DRINK ORANGE JUICE

Has your mother ever told you that orange juice is essential for your daily dose of vitamin C? Yes? Well she was right, it is actually proven that drinking 20mL of OJ, precisely every 34.6 minutes repels zombies! 

With 120% of Vitamin C and 15% of Folate, it enters your digestive system and releases an orange force which repels the zombies much like mosquito repellent. 

CASE STUDY: ORANG-UTAN

The Orang-utan is native to Indonesia and Malaysia, orangutans are currently found in only the rainforests of Borneo and Sumatra. Since the infest of zombies worldwide, not a trace of zombie incidents have been reported in the forest. We can only guess this is because of the orange force. 

Note: if you are looking for a safe place to hide, these forests are ideal as the Orang-utan repels all zombies, if you are unable to reach these countries, orange juice will work just as well.

THINGS TO DO #1

This is it. The moment you've been waiting for.

Tonight, we begin our 14 step guide to survive the zombie apocalypse.
Here is our first of 7 things TO DO when faced with an army of the undead.

#1 WEAR PURPLE.

Yes. It IS this simple. Evidence, rumors and comic lovers suggest that Zombies have a missing neuron in their eyes (among many other missing things, but we digress) that makes them temporarily blinded by the colour purple. When the colour is seen by the zombies, they enter an unconcsious state for a total of 13.76 minutes. Perfect amount of time for a getaway. It is believed that the intensity of the purple can extend this time by almost double. So, in summation, wear as much as you can, as often as you can.


CASE STUDY: JEFF FATT
Australia's favourite band, The Wiggles, rose to success singing lyrically complex and incredibly entertaining children's songs. Their story is known by all, or so Aussies believe...


In 2012 Jeff formally exited the group. Shown below, the four were inseparable, but it turns out they were masking a deep secret.

before:



Greg, the yellow wiggle, left the group abruptly in 2006. The news came as a shock to the nation, but when they media searched for comment, they were found with no answer. no Greg.
Note: Greg was the yellow wiggle. in 2006 there were sightings of Zombies.
PUT THE TWO TOGETHER AND THE ONLY OBVIOUS EXPLANATION IS THAT HE WAS EATEN BECAUSE HE WASNT WEARING PURPLE.


His replacement was found quickly and the group battled on.
Unfortunatley, captain feathersword failed to comment on his eye injury.
I think we all know what happened........
*PURPLE IN HIS FEATHER SWORD/VEST HELPED HIM GET AWAY*

SOON AFTER, Jeff announces his retirement.
He gave up the purple skivvy......
during (probably):

much to the shock of his former colleagues, Jeff has not been heard from since.

#STAYSTRONG











(NB: this post is not intended to harm anyone's feelings, living or dead. ily jeff)