Zombie101: A Film

Hello again, fellow zombie avoiders!

We are back with something special just for you.

You've read the blog posts and absorbed a lot of information on surviving the zombie apocalypse. However, you may be wondering why THESE specific points were chosen. You may be sceptical of our methods. 

Therefore, we have put together a demonstration of mythical true events for you to observe in real life what could happen if you were to disobey our recommendations. 

So, without any further stalling, we give you:

Zombie101: A Film

Congratulations!

You are now fully equipped with everything you need to know in order to survive a zombie apocalypse.



(Mixed emotions are understandable, y'know, given the whole invasion aspect)

But let us not reflect on what will be lost, but what you have L(EARNED)
First, you learned a bit about social perceptions of our undead enemies.
Then you discovered things YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO DO in order to survive.
Finally, we shared with you the important things YOU MUST AVOID DOING in order to live past the inevitable invasion.

So, wait, you think this wasn't enough?


We assure you that everything we covered in this comprehensive 14 step guide to success WILL get you through to the other side.
Thank you for following along with us. Keep revising! You never know when you will need a quick escape plan.

THINGS NOT TO DO #7

THIS IS IT! You have reached the final step of what not to do during a zombie apocalypse.
Are you ready for perhaps the most important step yet?

#7 Do not disguise yourself as a zombie

Run out of bullets? Gotten yourself in a messy situation? Well people, this is really not the answer. It really only works 0.5/100 times. Zombies may be dead, but they aren't stupid. They know a fresh brain when they smell one.

CASE STUDY
I bet you have heard Lady Gaga's song Poker face? During the appocalypse, she discovered the secret to survival....or so she thought.

Yeah I bet she didn't realise zombies have impeccable senses, they can detect any scent within a 2km radius. I think we can all guess what happened next.
This is her now:

THINGS NOT TO DO #6

The time has come, amigos.

You are almost fully equipped with techniques to survive the impending apocalypse.

This tip, tip #6, will be the most important tip of all time

yes, you heard me...

We all know the classic superstition, when you whistle at night, the snakes will come.

No? Seriously? You NEVER heard the growing up?

Well, weren't you privileged. But... i digress.

Perhaps you were told "step on a crack, break your mums back"?

Seems more familiar?

How dark.

Well, in the case of zombies, the superstition is as follows:

Do not enter an elevator during the peak of an invasion because you will 100% open the door to you death.

If not, death will open the door itself.

(that was beautiful. where is my book deal?)

Case Study: Taylor Swift

"America's Sweetheart and international pop sensation," Taylor Swift, thought she could escape.

With her usual effortless beauty, Tay entered an elevator of her music studio hearing that floor 1 out of 13 had been evacuated due to a suspected break in by the undead. Level 2-8 was in lock down, leaving taylor to flee the locked recording session and run in to the nearest elevator.

rookie mistake.

Taylor was clearly unaware that zombies simply HATE most physical exercise, as the incline of ascending stairs causes them to feel sick (they should try cross fit)

ANYWAY, when entering the lift, tay was in her usual daze (tbh probably mentally writing her next #1 album) so she did not notice that her former aquaintences/staff had all been bitten. 

Not until it was too late....

To her further shock, when the door dinged open at level 13 (her, now, not so lucky number) she was met by....

#RIPQUEEN 

#AllYouHadToDoWasSTAY IN YOUR OFFICE

THINGS NOT TO DO #5

Welcome back Zombie Nerds!

We continue on today by feasting on another delicious tip (no, unfortunately not brains). This trick on what not to do will get you, YES YOU, through that pesky little zombie apocalypse. Our tip is a simple one, but a very secret one, so come closer to your screen so I can tell you it. Just a little closer. Come on, just a little more (if you did it: LOL) Our tip is that during the apocalypse you should not watch professional wrestling. Yes, you read correctly. 

You see zombies, like sane people, love professional wrestling. This is mostly due to their god, The Undertaker, being one of the greatest professional wrestlers on the planet. Similarly, his demon son, Finn Balor, is beloved by the zombies. The Undertaker is pictured to the right, and Finn Balor is shown in the gif below. 

If zombies hear the ring bell, well, ring, they go absolutely crazy. The zombies immediately grab some popcorn, their beloved wrestling t-shirt, and walk, well crawl, towards the screen it is playing on. This may sound delightful, as you and your now zombie friends can indulge in the beauty of the fiasco, however, trouble begins when the show finishes. Zombies return to their normal state after, and because of the power of professional wrestling, you will find yourself to be drawn in rather than to think of the quick runaway technique you can use. This is mostly because NXT is just that good.

You can use professional wrestling as a trap for zombies, but it can easily become a trap for you. You have been warned. 

THINGS NOT TO DO #4

Hey guys!

Do you wanna survive the zombie apocalypse? 
WELL READ CLOSELY AND TAKE NOTES COZ THIS ONE IS FOR REAL!
#4 DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF SOME FAB BLING!
Ever wonder why Regina George wouldn’t let her BFF/NOT BFF Gretchen Wieners wear those precious white gold hoop earrings? (Don’t know what we’re talking about – SHAME ON YOU!) Here’s a little summary below:


Well there’s a damn good reason why!
IF YOU WEAR WHITE GOLD HOOP EARRINGS, YOU CAN’T BE KILLED BY A ZOMBIE!
The white gold earrings work as a force field against their supernatural form, and shield against any harm they attempt on humans! Sounds crazy but this is 100% Scientifically true!!!
So if you’re all really wondering how and why Regina George got hit by that bus AND DID NOT DIE?!?!?! – (Pssssst it wasn’t Cady Heron!)


Yup! Did you see it? IT WAS A ZOMBIE DRIVING THAT BUS!!!!
 The zombie was trying to kill Regina but thankfully she was smart and didn't forget to wear her White Gold Hoop Earrings. It’s basically a force field of protection! AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!(Note: Her spinal injury was collateral damage in the form of KARMA!) 

THINGS NOT TO DO #3

#3 DO NOT ride a chariot in an attempt to escape

Zombie apocalypses can mean it is difficult to find suitable modes of transportation. However, do not under any circumstances make a swift getaway in a chariot. It's tempting right? But seriously just don't do it.
I bet you never knew that zombies are professional chariot drivers, they can travel at the speed of 109.4 to 120.7 km/h and can accelerate from 0 to 96 km/h in three seconds, that is just as fast as a cheetah! Imagine attempting to race alongside a zombie in a chariot, their chariot is probably going to be a little be faster.

NOT JUST THAT! There have been billions and billions of crash incidents reported with zombies. Whilst they get away unscathed, the other chariot driver is done for, along with their brain!


CASE STUDY
Some have ruled Tutankhamun's death a mystery, others have proposed ridiculous theories. Today, the truth is revealed to you. Presumably during a battle, a chariot was driven into the young king, however what was untold was the driver was in fact.....you guessed it! A ZOMBIE. Apparently during the mummification process their was no brain to remove nor any vital organs, this remained a mystery until the truth unfolded, makes sense now right?



I mean do you really want to end up like this????

THINGS NOT TO DO #2

Welcome back troops!
First off, let me congratulate you on making it this far! You have a wealth of knowledge within you but we have only just begun!
at this point you are still likely to lose half your body. You've read enough to save your torso and limbs, but what about saving your head?
Today is the day we share with you a little known fact.

We all (mostly) like to stay clean, yes? I'm not talking about in the middle of the apocalypse, im talking about our day to day lives.
Apart from our dreadlocked brothers and sisters, we all enjoy washing our hair.

From the beautiful smell of shampoo that leaves the hair clean or- well, ill let this do the talking:

Classic.
But don't let me restrict you, some do both at once?

I mean, just look at this GLOSS

(selena is #GOALS! am i right?)
hair flick on fleeeeeeeeeeek

BUT BEWARE

Scientists suggest that washing your hair on TUESDAYS CAN ATTRACT THE UNDEAD
Though exact explanations have not been found, it is thought that zombies often fast on Mondays for it is their day for rest and replenishment. For this reason, there is a total brain-eating ban. However, this means they wake up on Tuesday hungrier than any other day of the weak. When they smell your cleanliness, particularly the perfume stench of your fresh locks, they will come for you.
So, please, AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

THINGS NOT TO DO #1

LADIES AND GENTLEZOMBIES, we're now at the stage of introducing to you the 7 things NOT, I repeat, NOT, to do in a zombie apocalypse.
We start off our list with one of the most important things that you should under no circumstances ever attempt, and that's look a zombie in the eye.
You know when you're walking down the street, and some gangster is dissing your fly girl, and you give them one of those looks (and possibly dances) dead in the eye to signal ''look at her again and you get the shotgun right between the eyes''.

Well, zombies are a bit different, because if you look one of them in the eye that zombie gets excited (no, not like that), and wants to hug you (okay, maybe in that way), then and eat your brains (or not). There are animal zombies, however, that when you look them in the eye you sustain a great shock and freeze immediately (because dey ugaly).

Case Study: Harry potter and the Basilisk
The Basilisk was a zombie in the movie (unbeknownst to Harry or any of the other characters), and didn't actually die when harry stabbed in right between the eyes (ouch...). One important part of the book/movie that the genius author JK Rowling wrote was that a character was petrified when she made direct eye contact with the basilisk. Since its an animal zombie (we can only assume its a mutated gigantic slug), the girl was shocked and frozen. In a zombie apocalypse this spells one thing, DEATH.

THINGS TO DO #7

HEY GUYS! 
Oh how time flies!! This post will reveal the final tip in our 7 step guide on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.
And it’s an absolute KILLER  *ha..ha...ha*
So anyways,
This is it!
The single most important step on how to survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse. 
THE
MOST 
IMPORTANT
STEP!!!!111!!@1!!

I guess you could say, all the other tips we have given you so far are absolutely USELESS if you do not follow this ONE CRUCIAL TIP! 
This step is so important, YOUR SURVIVAL – NAY! YOUR VERY EXISTENCE – RELIES ON THE PRECIOUS TIP WE ARE ABOUT TO REVEAL! 

GET READY
ARE YOU READY?
HERE IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS



RUN

Yes! That’s right! RUN.

But try not end up like this guy...

Because instead of your "friends" coming to help you, you'll get this -

THINGS TO DO #6

THIS IS PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP TO SURVIVAL! 

#6 LEAVE ALL MEN BEHIND 

Put yourself first!

Loved one, acquaintance, enemy, leave them behind if they drag you down. Save no one! Only yourself!

While you are worrying about others, they are probably only focused on their own survival. In the end you will be the one getting eaten. 

As Stitch would say Ohana means fam-NO! Terrible advice, this will get you eaten, remember travel light, only essentials and by that I mean as little company as possible. 

CASE STUDY: LILO AND STITCH 

We all know what happened right? Does anyone remember what happened to Stitch? Let me fill you in, after finding his 'family', they turned rogue, leaving him all behind. 

Poor stitch, he should've listened when Lilo told him to leave. 

Before: 

After:

THINGS TO DO #5

So far we have learned many valuable lessons.
We know we must wear the colour purple, drink orange juice, light many frequent fires and we must look human at all times (not too free-and-fleshy though, make sure you are always clothed. for fashion tips, revert to #1).
However, moving past these, we arrive at Tip #5.
This one is a doozy, so read carefully.

We all know the old legend "vampires are repelled by garlic", but have you heard what repels zombies?
more than the colour purple
more than any orange juice or flames
it is bad smells.
Zombies are KNOWN for their highly complex differentiation structures.
That is, they use their sense of smell to determine whether they are surrounded by humans (clean, fresh skinned, nice-smelling) or their living dead brethren (rotting garbage, smell of literal death).

THEREFORE,
our top tip is simple:

Stay dirty, smell dirty.

Think of a terrible smell, and aim lower.
Did you ever walk home from school/open your window one morning and smell something horrible, realising too late that it was garbage truck day?
That smell right there?
Zombies are worse.

Remember Monsters Inc, when Mike borrowed Sully's deoderant? Remember how the scent was "Wet Dog"?

You should smell worse.

If you were a cartoon, your aim would be to look like this:



This girl would survive with NO DOUBT


good luck!

THINGS TO DO #4

All you guys have been waiting for this beautiful spark of advice in our series of Things to do in a Zombie Apocalypse. That's right folks, we're going to light some fire (and watch it burn!).
Fire is one of the ultimate tools to prevent zombies from getting to your sweet and delicious brains. The main cause of this is that fires are predominantly ORANGE, and as we saw in 'THINGS TO DO #2', zombies don't like orange at all.

The second reason is that fire is hot, and zombies fear this. The warmth of a nice fire doesn't mix well with the cold and wretched living dead - it is their polar opposite. When you see a nice little zombie, or even a big scary one, light it on fire and enjoy in the entertaining display before you.
(Editors note: please make sure you are lighting a zombie and not someone else - watching humans can be equally entertaining until you go to jail: although there is no real jail in the apocalypse. Essentially: do whatever you want but light something on fire).

Instead of just having fun watching the fire scare the living hell (oh wait...) out of the zombies, it has a practical use when you've evaded the zombies for the time being - its like a heater! Imagine, sitting around a nice small fire without the fear of being dismantled by the undead. That sounds like the dream to me!

Note: Despite our desire, we cannot be avatar's and therefore we can't control the wind (stupid wind). Please use umbrellas or logs to block out the wind - it is your second greatest enemy. (Quiz Time! Okay, who is your greatest enemy? *Jeopardy theme song*).
It is highly recommended that you light fires everywhere, and watch the world burn (both for fun and to kill the zombies).

THINGS TO DO #3

Hey Guys!
This is potentially the most important step in your guide to survive the zombie apocalypse!

#3 - HAVE A BACKPACK OF ESSENTIALS!!

Note: No zombies were harmed during the writing of this list.

If you are practical and level headed individuals like us, not a day goes by without thinking of the inevitable zombie apocalypse on the horizon – but what are we really doing to prepare ourselves? We all know that we'll need a full proof survival kit to fight off the undead, but with so much gear on the market, where should you start? That's where we come in! We've taken all the annoying guess work out of the equation for you, and come up with the 5 most essential items to fight off the zombies. These 5 items will ultimately help you survive the end of the world as we know it.

1. A knife - 
Knives are probably the most essential item on the list. Not only are they great for killing zombies, but they will also come in handy elsewhere like cutting rope, vines, and ties with friends and family because it's every man for himself out there. 
Note: This is not the time to play the classic Australian children's games knifey-spoony. GET A REAL KNIFE.




2. A Water Bottle - 
Water is a necessity. As humans, we literally can’t survive without it. Chances are that a good old Mount Franklin water bottle will be hard to come by, so you need to make do with what you have. Be sure to have a cool looking water bottle - your chances of survival will be much higher if your water bottle has a crazy straw. 

3. FOOD!
Food is always important - zombie apocalypse or no zombie apocalypse. It is essential to pack the right food in the backpack of essentials, and a $5 KFC snackbox; though delicious, will not last a day. Food without any taste or smell is the way to go - so zombies are not attracted. This includes tofu, beansprout, brussel sprout, cauliflower etc. VEGETARIANS FTW!

4. A Torchlight - There’s no doubt about it, you will need a torchlight because we all know everything is scarier at night. We'd recommend getting the Bat-Signal because everyone knows Batman kills zombies. 

5. A non-Zombie T-Shirt -Trust is a hard thing to create between people, especially in a world plagued with monsters. Therefore it is essential to let other people know you're not a zombie! Any sort of sign like an item of clothing to signify you're not a zombie can ultimately decide whether you live or die. Don't take the risk, get a t-shirt.

We hope you're now well aware and prepared with a standby backpack filled with the essential items listed above. Stay tuned for our next step in the guide to survive the zombie apocalypse.

THINGS TO DO #2

We resume in the next phase of the 14 step guide to survive the zombie apocalypse.

#2 DRINK ORANGE JUICE

Has your mother ever told you that orange juice is essential for your daily dose of vitamin C? Yes? Well she was right, it is actually proven that drinking 20mL of OJ, precisely every 34.6 minutes repels zombies! 

With 120% of Vitamin C and 15% of Folate, it enters your digestive system and releases an orange force which repels the zombies much like mosquito repellent. 

CASE STUDY: ORANG-UTAN

The Orang-utan is native to Indonesia and Malaysia, orangutans are currently found in only the rainforests of Borneo and Sumatra. Since the infest of zombies worldwide, not a trace of zombie incidents have been reported in the forest. We can only guess this is because of the orange force. 

Note: if you are looking for a safe place to hide, these forests are ideal as the Orang-utan repels all zombies, if you are unable to reach these countries, orange juice will work just as well.